Happy Little Accidents.
(Lights up.)
(Interior: public school boys bathroom)
Teddie
Mark? You in there? Mark?
Mark (weakly)
Yeah…
Teddie
Why’d you text me to come here? I’m missing algebra. I'm really behind in that class.
Mark
No! No! Don’t go in the stall.
Teddie
What?
Mark
Just… whatever you do don’t open the stall
Teddie
What? Why? What’s happening?
Mark
I kinda… I um…
Teddie
What?
Mark
I kinda killed Chase.
Teddie
…
Mark
…
Teddie
HAHAHAHAHA oh.. Ha… Sure you did. Now seriously what do you want, I gotta go back to class.
Hey, what’s that smell?
…
Mark?
Mark
Yeah?
Teddie
Mark. Did you ACTUALLY KILL CHASE?
Mark
Promise you're not mad?
Teddie
Mad? I— Well did you do it on– (Pukes violently) Did you KILL CHASE?
Mark
Only… Only a little bit.
Teddie
What does that even mean?
(We hear Chase retching and convulsing violently from within the stall)
Mark
Oh wait, hold on a second!”
(chase stops convulsing.)
Mark
Okay, now I’ve killed Chase.
Teddie
Oh my god
Mark
What do I do?
Teddie
Oh my god
(Theo walks into the bathroom and begins using a urinal. Teddie and Mark fidget nervously. Chase retches one more time from within the stall.)
Mark (to Theo
Um.. Don’t mind that. I’m having… stomach issues.
Theo
…Okay.
Mark
I didn’t kill chase.
Theo
…Okay.
Teddie (nudging Mark and whispering.)
What the fuck!?
Mark
I mean– Uh– I mean– I did kill Chase.
Theo
…What
Teddie
Alright, Theo can you keep a secret?
Theo
Yeah, I think so.
Mark
We kinda killed Chase.
Teddie
He means he killed Chase. I had nothing to do with it.
Theo
WHAT?
Teddie and Mark
Only a little bit!
Theo
Is that what that smell is? I– Oh my god I–
(Theo stops to vomit.)
We gotta call the police!
Mark
No! No. No. We cannot let anyone find out about this.
Teddie
I mean someone’s gonna find out eventually! We can’t even get him out of the bathroom without dragging him through the entire school. Everyone would see!
Mark
We could bribe the witnesses.
Teddie
That’s true; I do have a ton of cash on me right now.
Teddie
Enough money to bribe literally every single person in the east wing of the school?
Mark
Hmmm, you’re right. We cut the body into a bunch of little pieces and carry them out in individual trips to be less noticeable.
Teddie and Theo
We are not cutting up the body.
Mark
But like–
Teddie and Theo
We are not cutting up the body.
Teddie
Why don’t we just take him out the window?
Theo
That window doesn’t open.
Teddie
Shit.
Mark
I’m gonna cut up the body.
(Footsteps can be heard from the hallway. outside.)
Teddie
Shit, shit, shit, what do we do?
Theo
The window is our only option but…
Teddie
I’ll do what I have to.
(Extremely dramatic music and drum roll.)
Teddie
Get ready!
Mark (Gleefully from within the stall)
I didn’t know the human body had this much blood!
Theo
What have I gotten myself into?
Teddie slams his fist into the window and…
his hand breaks. The window is perfectly fine. Teddie screams uncontrollably.
(Mr. Jones pops his head into the bathroom. Teddie’s hand is bloody and broken. Theo has his head in his hands. Mark pops out of the stall covered in blood. Chase’s mutilated corpse falls limply to the bathroom floor out of the stall)
Mr. Jones
Hey, what’s going on in… here…
Teddie
We um… We had a…
Theo
We had a happy little accident.
(Theo takes a wad of money out of his pockets, walks over to Mr. Jones, and places it firmly in his hand. Mark walks over to Mr. Jones, still covered in blood and holding Chase’s severed hand. He puts the finger of the hand to Mr. Jones's lips (like shushing him)
Mark
Shhhh. Happy little accident. Shhhhh.
(Lights out.)
Happy Little Accidents.
(Lights up.)
(Interior: public school boys bathroom)
Teddie
Mark? You in there? Mark?
Mark (weakly)
Yeah…
Teddie
Why’d you text me to come here? I’m missing algebra. I'm really behind in that class.
Mark
No! No! Don’t go in the stall.
Teddie
What?
Mark
Just… whatever you do don’t open the stall
Teddie
What? Why? What’s happening?
Mark
I kinda… I um…
Teddie
What?
Mark
I kinda killed Chase.
Teddie
…
Mark
…
Teddie
HAHAHAHAHA oh.. Ha… Sure you did. Now seriously what do you want, I gotta go back to class.
Hey, what’s that smell?
…
Mark?
Mark
Yeah?
Teddie
Mark. Did you ACTUALLY KILL CHASE?
Mark
Promise you're not mad?
Teddie
Mad? I— Well did you do it on– (Pukes violently) Did you KILL CHASE?
Mark
Only… Only a little bit.
Teddie
What does that even mean?
(We hear Chase retching and convulsing violently from within the stall)
Mark
Oh wait, hold on a second!”
(chase stops convulsing.)
Mark
Okay, now I’ve killed Chase.
Teddie
Oh my god
Mark
What do I do?
Teddie
Oh my god
(Theo walks into the bathroom and begins using a urinal. Teddie and Mark fidget nervously. Chase retches one more time from within the stall.)
Mark (to Theo
Um.. Don’t mind that. I’m having… stomach issues.
Theo
…Okay
Mark
I didn’t kill chase.
Teddie (nudging Mark and whispering.)
What the fuck!?
Mark
I mean– Uh– I mean– I did kill Chase.
Theo
…What
Teddie
Alright, Theo can you keep a secret?
Theo
Yeah, I think so.
Mark
We kinda killed Chase
Teddie
He means he killed Chase. I had nothing to do with it.
Theo
WHAT?
Teddie and Mark
Only a little bit!
Theo
Is that what that smell is? I– Oh my god I–
(Theo stops to vomit.)
We gotta call the police!
Mark
No! No. No. We cannot let anyone find out about this.
Teddie
I mean someone’s gonna find out eventually! We can’t even get him out of the bathroom without dragging him through the entire school. Everyone would see!
Mark
We could bribe the witnesses.
Teddie
That’s true; I do have a ton of cash on me right now.
Teddie
Enough money to bribe literally every single person in the east wing of the school?
Mark
Hmmm, you’re right. We cut the body into a bunch of little pieces and carry them out in individual trips to be less noticeable.
Teddie and Theo
We are not cutting up the body.
Mark
But like–
Teddie and Theo
We are not cutting up the body.
Teddie
Why don’t we just take him out the window?
Theo
That window doesn’t open.
Teddie
Shit.
Mark
I’m gonna cut up the body.
(Footsteps can be heard from the hallway. outside.)
Teddie
Shit, shit, shit, what do we do?
Theo
The window is our only option but–
Teddie
I’ll do what I have to.
(Extremely dramatic music and drum roll.)
Teddie
Get ready!
Mark (Gleefully from within the stall)
I didn’t know the human body had this much blood!
Theo
What have I gotten myself into?
Teddie slams his fist into the window and… his hand breaks. The window is perfectly fine. Teddie screams uncontrollably.
(Mr. Jones pops his head into the bathroom. Teddie’s hand is bloody and broken. Theo has his head in his hands. Mark pops out of the stall covered in blood. Chase’s mutilated corpse falls limply to the bathroom floor out of the stall)
Mr. Jones
Hey, what’s going on in… here…
Teddie
We um… We had a…
Theo
We had a happy little accident.
(Theo takes a wad of money out of his pockets, walks over to Mr. Jones, and places it firmly in his hand. Mark walks over to Mr. Jones, still covered in blood and holding Chase’s severed hand. He puts the finger of the hand to Mr. Jones's lips (like shushing him)
Mark.
Shhhh. Happy little accident. Shhhhh.
(Lights out.)
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